Top 10 Ways to Get Out of Hell
10. DRINK HEAVILY.
A highly effective but extremely short-term solution, self-medication with alcohol also has myriad negative side effects.*
* Immediately stop taking red wine and notify your doctor if you experience any of the following: heart palpitations, shortness of breath, delusions of grandeur, suicidal thoughts, irrational urge to call your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend, irrational urge to call your parents, irrational urge to call anyone, spontaneous sobbing, watching multiple Tom Cruise Scientology-rant videos on YouTube, creating a Spotify playlist named “Junior High Slowdance Songs”, ordering a NutriBullet with overnight shipping, watching Love Actually and/or Apocalypse Now for the 17th time, or writing any sort of “Top 10” blog post.
9. GET IN YOUR CAR AND JUST START DRIVING. ANYWHERE.
Make sure you have a good “Road Trip” playlist cued up. Again, a short-term solution, but in this case the benefits seem to last for a day or so after the drive. Bonus: No hangover!
8. READ DEEPAK CHOPRA’S BOOK “THE SEVEN SPIRITUAL LAWS OF SUCCESS”
Moderately helpful, but Deepak’s relentless optimism can inadvertently trigger depression because we realize we will never be as enlightened as Deepak. If this occurs, read instead Mark Manson’s brilliant “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck”. This book will not trigger depression, I guarantee it.
7. MEDITATE.
I mean, I don’t do this myself, but I’ve heard it’s really good for you.
6. QUIT ALL SOCIAL MEDIA.
Let’s be honest, at least 50% of the reason you’re in hell in the first place is because of social media. (To break it down further, 50% of that 50% is due to Instagram envy, 25% to relentless Facebook baby and/or political posts, and the rest to Twitter compulsion and misunderstanding Snapchat.)
5. HAVE SEX WITH THAT CUTE— WAIT, I TAKE THAT BACK.
What initially seems like an escape route to heaven is actually an express elevator further into hell.
4. GO FOR A HIKE. OR DO SOME SORT OF EXERCISE FOR CHRISSAKES.
Do I need to explain this one? Really? Well I’m not going to. Google “psychological benefits of exercise” and let the 35,800,000 results enlighten you.
3. VOLUNTEER FOR SOMETHING CHARITABLE.
It’s a cliché for a reason: giving is better for the human soul than taking. We’re hard wired for altruism. As my good friend Greg once said: Our happiness is directly proportional to how much we help others… Full stop. (But be careful. In college I volunteered for a big brother program in Detroit, and my 10-year-old “little brother” had a serious psychological break when he found out he couldn’t move out to California with me when the semester was over. I think the program was a bit flawed. Also, I’m pretty sure the kid is dead or in jail now.)
2. LET GO OF ALL NEED TO BE RIGHT ABOUT ANYTHING.
Oh humans… Poor, deluded creatures. We actually think we’re right about most things. Unfortunately the facts say otherwise. We’re wrong about so many things so frequently, we should really just assume we’re wrong about everything. Then, on the rare occasion that we’re actually right, it’s a pleasant surprise. Hey, if this is too radical an assumption for you at this point, then at least test the waters by listening to others and admitting that you might be wrong.
1. ACCEPT THAT NONE OF THIS MATTERS ANYWAY, SO JUST LET IT GO.
Enough said.
